The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
