we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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