Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
