lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
