Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
