Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you didnt know i had herpes?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
