Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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