friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
