im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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