She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
