in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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