I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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