Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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