You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
