That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
