he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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