I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
