At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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