a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
