I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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