you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
