He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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