Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
