i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
