Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
