is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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