Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
