Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
