if you like me you must not know who I am
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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