Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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