i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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