i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
