just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
