I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
