nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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