I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
