so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just pee around me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
