Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
