Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
