this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
