the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
