I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
