I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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