I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
