God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she told me i tasted like america
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
