I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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