It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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