Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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