it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
