oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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